A failure.

Apparently I might fail school says Ms. Carrington. Which I don't completely understand. Well, I'll understand when I go to a parent teacher principal type meeting. Not graduating would be.. I can't even imagine.

Over the past few weeks I've been needing to do my work more than I have ever before in my entire life, yet I couldn't get myself to do it. I would try, then I wouldn't. I just sit there. This is torturous to myself. I'm the reason I'm failing school. It's me and me alone. Sure I get sick, but that's not an excuse for my failure. Not my failure at school, I feel like it's a failure at life. Because why can't I get myself to do it? WHY? cus I suck. Why is it that I can work, but can't do homework. That I can write a paper in class, but just do everything else I can possibly think of at home so I end up not doing it at home. I wrote a poetry response in school the other day. It took me 40 minutes to start though. I just sat there, wallowing. That's what I do now, I wallow. Because I suck.

Sometimes I wish something is legitimately wrong with me, that way it's less my fault, but it's just my fault, I get distracted, and I might have ADD, but who cares? I should still be able to do my fucking work. I've wanted to cry about this for weeks, and I don't mean a couple of tears, because I did that while I was in Mrs. Williams class room the other day, and I wasn't letting go, I just couldn't hold it in, so I leaked a bit. I want to bawl. It's another thing. Even when I feel like my life is going to shit, like I have more pressure on me than ever before in my existence, I cover it up. I don't think about it; I push it back and joke and never touch it until I'm laying in bed, scared out of my mind.

I want to walk with my friends. I want to go to college. Other than that I could care less.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Nothing. Everything. I suck that's what. I am a fucking piece of shit that is pompous and too confident everything will be okay. I think it will all be okay too much. Usually that's a good thing, but for me it just makes things worse, because I don't try because of it. God damn it I suck.

Chocolate Rabbit Embryos

One year my mother, after the Easter events had been ... had, she asked my brother to go to the grocery with her. He refused, and when she got back, she just mentioned in passing that she saw the easter bunny there. "Dang!" yelled my brother. I shall do this to my kids. I plan on it. It is great.

I wish we still celebrated Easter, but we just make a nice meal and buy candy the day after because it's on sale, but we used to do all that awesome stuff. Not for the religious reasons, but for fun, and hence why we no longer do it. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny any longer, and that was what the fun was about for my brother and me. This is probably what will happen with my kids, they will believe in a bunny, then not, but we will still dye eggs 'cus that's just awesome and fun.

Hiding actual eggs is bad when you don't find one. Smelly.

Let's do this thang.

So, after reading through Ammon's blog and semi-planning to skim through Mr. Jones's blog, and Spencer having a blog, I'll update my own blog. The thing about me and blogs is, well, I run out of things real fast, adn then I just end up sayign all these small things that have been on my mind for a while. Little tidbits if you will, and trust me, you will.

Like, I was just thinking about how much I miss the X-files, and the mystery of each episode, and the backdrop of siblings being abducted by aliens.. maybe. This show has been replaced by the likes of LOST, and I will admit, I watched Surface last year. But, a day to day mystery is getting less common, with an overall "you'll never find out" mystery getting cozy in it's place.

Adding to the here to there aspect of this first real post, I'll mention potential. Potential makes me sad, or I should say I make potential sad. I've never lived up to it. It's been there, so it let me skate by. I'm one of the biggest slackers I know. Bigger ones didn't graduate High School. I like to think because college is a completely different enviroment, I'll be different. I hope I'll be different. I don't like to think if I won't be different. I should go to sleep so I won't be tired during my sweet interview at Sal and Mookies tomorrow. I think I'll continue this post later, right now it's too . . . vast to get down in the few minutes I'm limiting myself to.

I love webaddress of my blog. Straight up.