A failure.

Apparently I might fail school says Ms. Carrington. Which I don't completely understand. Well, I'll understand when I go to a parent teacher principal type meeting. Not graduating would be.. I can't even imagine.

Over the past few weeks I've been needing to do my work more than I have ever before in my entire life, yet I couldn't get myself to do it. I would try, then I wouldn't. I just sit there. This is torturous to myself. I'm the reason I'm failing school. It's me and me alone. Sure I get sick, but that's not an excuse for my failure. Not my failure at school, I feel like it's a failure at life. Because why can't I get myself to do it? WHY? cus I suck. Why is it that I can work, but can't do homework. That I can write a paper in class, but just do everything else I can possibly think of at home so I end up not doing it at home. I wrote a poetry response in school the other day. It took me 40 minutes to start though. I just sat there, wallowing. That's what I do now, I wallow. Because I suck.

Sometimes I wish something is legitimately wrong with me, that way it's less my fault, but it's just my fault, I get distracted, and I might have ADD, but who cares? I should still be able to do my fucking work. I've wanted to cry about this for weeks, and I don't mean a couple of tears, because I did that while I was in Mrs. Williams class room the other day, and I wasn't letting go, I just couldn't hold it in, so I leaked a bit. I want to bawl. It's another thing. Even when I feel like my life is going to shit, like I have more pressure on me than ever before in my existence, I cover it up. I don't think about it; I push it back and joke and never touch it until I'm laying in bed, scared out of my mind.

I want to walk with my friends. I want to go to college. Other than that I could care less.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Nothing. Everything. I suck that's what. I am a fucking piece of shit that is pompous and too confident everything will be okay. I think it will all be okay too much. Usually that's a good thing, but for me it just makes things worse, because I don't try because of it. God damn it I suck.